Mother in Law: The 10 commandments of LinkedIn

A couple of times a day when I am at my desk at work I check LinkedIn. It is a hangover from the years of my life I spent checking Facebook every few minutes before, you know, they broke democracy and consigned privacy to the past and I started my one-woman boycott. I say one woman but I know two other mums at the school who have followed my lead. Take that, Zuckerberg. Occasionally, my big silhouette fills the screen as someone I actually know has reposted one of my blogs and I panic as my real world and my online persona get a bit too close for comfort. 

You know what you rarely see on LinkedIn, though? One of my blogs about bullying, or passive aggression in the workplace, or Roe v Wade, or cancelling Latin. Because these are, apparently, the rules for posting on LinkedIn:

1.    You may say that you are happy/grateful/truly blessed to be starting a new position.

2.    You may respond to such posts with a handily pre-typed ‘Congrats, Dave’. I always find pre-typed messages so touching.

3.    You are allowed – no, required – to have fun in the workplace. As long as you take a photo of the fun and post it. For example, did you have a ‘best decorated desk/office’ competition this Christmas? DID YOU HAVE SUCH COMPETITIONS BEFORE LINKEDIN? I’m just saying. December was full of this stuff: Christmas jumper days, bake sales, hampers, Christmas dos with the firm’s name in giant letters on the dance floor. If it looks pretty, stick it on LinkedIn.

4.    You are allowed to talk about your family, as long as it is about how your three-year-old is shaping up to be a financial adviser/lawyer/entrepreneur because he saved his pocket money for two weeks/argued about something/tried to sell his sister. Otherwise, stick to shamelessly promoting yourself or your firm.

5.    Sarcasm is strongly discouraged. This is why I am pretty quiet over there. The only sarcasm allowed is, perhaps, a photo of your dog asleep with the comment ‘my assistant is working hard today #WFH #worklifebalance’.

6.    Opinions are also discouraged.

7.    Unless they are about, say, biscuits. You can get loads of content out of a controversial opinion on biscuits.

8.    Posting a link to a longer piece of writing? People won’t have time to read that! Make sure the headline stands alone as something they can ‘like’ without having to click the link. Time is money/to be used decorating your desk!

9.    You are allowed to have a very little moan, as long as you end your post with a truly motivational comment. I don’t mean ‘I’ve had a sh*t day but I get to go home now’. I mean: ‘Conveyancing is impossible. Clients have unrealistic expectations and estate agents should know better than to keep chasing me. I am doing this for a small fixed fee and want to poke myself in the eye with a pencil. But I am so grateful to work for a firm that is supportive and encourages me to go home on time.’ Always end by promoting your firm, I would say. To be on the safe side, stick some positive hashtags on the end like #conveyancing #worklifebalance and #blessed. Add a photo if you can, perhaps of your sleeping baby who you have, of course, got home to before bedtime. Don’t say that you’ve left everything on fire at work and nearly broke your neck to get home for bedtime or that, as it happened, the baby took two bloody hours of rocking to sleep anyway; or that you haven’t had time for a wee all day, as that would confuse the message. Admittedly, it is a confusing message anyway but you got some content up so that is what it is all about. Algorithms.  

10.    You should ONLY follow these rules until someone approaches you via said website about a job. A job where they promise you won’t want to poke yourself in the eye with a pencil. Then, stay silent during your notice period and then go back to point 1 above and start again.  

We have always had to promote ourselves to get work and it has always bordered on the horrendous. An old managing partner of mine was overheard saying he was ‘tarting out’ some trainees – by which he meant he was getting them to socialise with some financial advisers. I know. But even then it was a bit more organic, a bit more three dimensional. For me, LinkedIn has not changed the end result. If I am going to recommend another professional, it will be one I have found to have integrity, professionalism and expertise. I am not so stupid as to only remember the last one I saw on Linkedin and recommend them, however zany their Christmas jumper was. So what about some new rules – what about quality over quantity, professionalism, unspun honesty, real opinions and always – ALWAYS- a link to your favourite blog.

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article