Mother in Law: Family holidays

A couple of months ago, on the platform formerly known as Twitter, I asked if anyone had any family holiday recommendations or tips. I get so weary, looking at TripAdvisor reviews. You get three in a row that say it was the best place they have ever been in their life followed by one saying the chicken was raw and their granny nearly got taken by the riptide.

There were no comments on my post. Utter silence. When I was pregnant someone told me I would never have an actual holiday again- is this everyone else’s experience? No one has anything good to say about holidays with kids? As usual, instead of receiving the advice I guess I am going to have to give it.

The first thing I have to say is that you will still be the same people you are at home, you will just be being you in a different location, and quite possibly in smaller living quarters. If you have baby twins and have to change 24 nappies a day, that won’t change on holiday. If your teenager likes his own space at home, he will still want it when you are away. On our recent holiday I realised that the Venn diagram of what we each wanted to do the whole time (me- read a book, husband- look at empty sports stadiums, DALC1- try out different hairstyles, DALC2- eat ice cream) was four separate circles. Don’t think that your children are going to have a sudden interest in art galleries if they have never shown any interest at home.

My kids are now at an age I can remember being myself, and I clearly remember being dragged round Knossos in raging heat with no interest at all in the history. I was more excited by the 27 hairpin bends the coach driver precariously navigated us round on the way there. On our recent holiday my husband argued that, surely, the kids could put up with doing some of the things that the adults wanted to do. Sure, we can do them, I said, but DALC2 has never hidden a feeling in her life and will simply moan for ice cream the whole time. If you are OK with that, let's go to that empty stadium.

Anyway, with this in mind, what tips and recommendations can I give?

1. Holidays are expensive. Especially when you are paying for people who bring no income into your household as well as yourselves. We are constantly querying with each other whether they are worth the money. On balance, my answer is that they are. You might not feel less stressed when you hit your inbox on your return, but you will be over the longer term. A change is as good as a rest.
2. Obviously, leave work behind.
3. Having said holidays are expensive, as kids the best holidays we had were at Pontins. And we do actually have beautiful, world class beaches all around this country.
4. If you are going on a package holiday, the main thing is to try to get a family room with a separate bedroom area for the kids. Often, the kids are meant to sleep on a sofabed in the living area but that screws up any kind of balcony-based evening for you. We had a room with a sliding screen to shut away DALC1 when she was tiny at the Cala Mandia hotel in Mallorca and it worked perfectly- although, we were so exhausted we slept whenever she did anyway. We had a really good time there- the only thing was the noise. No one was bothered about our toddler screaming at mealtimes because she couldn’t be heard over everyone else’s toddlers screaming at mealtimes.
5. Children get to an age where they can understand waiting times. This age is key to more ambitious holidays. Ask a four year old if they want to wait in a queue for 90 minutes to spend 20 seconds talking to Cinderella and they will say yes and then moan for 90 minutes. Recently, we went to the Canaries and told our seven year old the flight would last for between two and three movies. She sat and watched two and a half movies and didn’t moan once.
6. This leads me on to my next point- I wouldn’t dream of taking a child on a long flight until they develop an attachment to screens.
7. Don’t expect full days of harmony- look out for the lovely moments instead.
8. I have recently realised how wonderful it is to have accommodation with a washing machine. Just casually doing a load of washing each day and coming home with a suitcase full of clean clothes. Perfect.
9. In terms of those longed-for actual recommendations, we had a good experience early into parenthood with one of the Luxury Family Hotels. Although, at the time they offered an old-style baby listening service whilst you tried to enjoy a fancy meal. The hotel was quite large and the physical distance between us and our baby was panic inducing. When the waiter calmly came over and said our baby was crying the table nearly went flying as we sprinted back to the room, wracked with guilt that we had left her alone. I appreciate that these issues were our own and not the hotel’s. Recommended for less highly strung parents.
10. Center Parcs is, quite simply, perfect for young families (except the price of course). It is not until you go there with a baby that you realise every restaurant has a microwave and free baby food. You have an hour in the morning to swim before the big kids are allowed in. You have a peaceful lodge to retire to for naps and early nights. As the kids get older there is always something for them, too.
11. If you are ready for the long haul flights, my friend has recently been speaking very highly of the Ocean Blue & Sand resort in the Dominican Republic.
12. But, my biggest recommendation is the one that comes up time and again in newspaper articles about family holidays: Martinhal Sagres in Portugal. It is the only place I have found that is designed for parents. Not children- parents. The restaurants are fancy, but every one has a supervised play area so that parents can linger over their meal. We stayed in a beautiful two bedroomed house so we had a kitchen, all the space we could want and an outdoor area, whilst also being half board and not having to cook. The whole place was calm, somehow. We went in term time before DALC1 started school and before DALC2 turned two and had to be paid for- otherwise we might have had to remortgage- but it is still the most relaxing holiday we have had.
13. Of course, the kids don’t remember the beautiful holiday in Portugal or most of everything else I have said above. There is certainly an argument to say it isn’t worth spending lots of money on holidays they will forget. But, just like people living with dementia who remember the way things made them feel without remembering the things themselves, I’m sure at any age the quality time, the adventure, the experience and the fun is always an investment in them, as well as in your selves.

*Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article