Mother in Law: Shun the social media snake oil sellers

I bought myself a home magazine the other day. Obviously, I had to remortgage my actual home before being able to afford it (when did that happen?) but I love looking at other people’s houses. One particular house caught my eye. The family consisted of parents and one-year-old twins. Not only was the house pristine with no sign of toys but the woman said – wait for it – that her kitchen cupboard door handles were so beautiful they gave her a little moment of joy every time she used them. WTF. 

When I had one-year-olds – and I never had two at once – I didn’t find moments of joy in touching a beautiful door handle. Not unless there was red wine in the cupboard in question, and even then ‘joy’ would be pushing it. ‘Relief at keeping everyone alive for another day’ would be closer to the truth. She probably didn’t even say it; it was probably the writer for the magazine. And why doesn’t she have Calpol stains on the carpet, or scuffed skirting boards? Why doesn’t she have a buggy in the hall and highchairs smeared with porridge in the kitchen? Why are none of her plants dead? BECAUSE SHE HAD A MAGAZINE COMING ROUND TO PHOTOGRAPH HER HOUSE.

Just like when we were selling our house, every time we had a viewing I filled the car boot with all the toys from the living room, booted the baby and the dog into the car, and drove around until my husband said the coast was clear for me to come back. Apart from anything else, both the baby and the dog had a tendency to stink without notice, and I didn’t want prospective buyers to think my house stunk of poo. When the estate agent took the photos for the listing, we made him do it on two separate days – so we could put all our crap in a room he wasn’t photographing and then move it to another room the next day.

And so today’s lesson is this: no photo that people choose to publish tells you anything other than what they have chosen to show you. Magazines are one thing, but the images that come on the little device in your pocket are even more potent. I’m not the first person to say that Instagram isn’t real life but it is worth a reminder once in a while, particularly for parents of impressionable children. For example, of course, for every six inches you (or your designated photographer) move the camera up, you lose 10lbs. That means you can lose about 40lb if you move the camera from hip height to shoulder height. No exercise or dieting is required. This. Is. Not. Real. Life.

And so I come back to LinkedIn. You will have as many LinkedInfluencers on your feed as me, I guess. Looking all fancy and successful. Telling you that you should be working smarter, not harder. Or telling you that you should be trusting your staff because they trust their staff. Or telling you that you will get (and I quote) ‘unlimited earnings’ if you go and work for their consultancy model firm. You will also notice that most of these posts have a professional photo attached with the LinkedInfluencer looking broody/rich/beautiful/much more relaxed than you.

I’m here now to tell you (with some insider knowledge) they are snake oil salesmen. They might have a fancy car, but do you know for a fact it is paid for? Sure, working smart is better than working hard, but most people have to work hard at first to get to grips with how to work smart. The laws of physics say (I’m not sure but I think it was one of Einstein’s) that the more time someone spends posting on social media, the less time they are spending actually ‘killing it’ in the real world. Having too much fun to remember to take a photo? Not these guys.

I don’t know how you judge a good lawyer in real life – perhaps on their attention to detail, their ability to grapple with difficult concepts, their empathy, their profitability as a fee-earner, or their mentoring skills – but I bet it isn’t how well they wear a pair of linen trousers at sunset. Remember this before you buy their snake oil.  

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article