Mother in Law: Rules of engagement with a hoarder

I am sure I have mentioned it before but the psychology of disputes fascinates me. The more we understand the psychology, the more likely we are to be able to resolve disputes. Jealousy, worries about losing face, being top dog, misogyny, sex, bereavement, feeling hard done by, being poor as a child, not being ‘clever’ at school, not being the favourite, perfectionism and narcissism are just a few issues we will all have come across with our clients. What I want to talk about today (without any real expertise – as usual) has practical as well as emotional issues for the resolution of disputes – and that is hoarding.

If it was just Deceptively Angelic Child 1 and I living in our house, it would be like heaven. By this, I do not mean it would be great – she is extremely annoying – I mean it would literally look like heaven. Everything would be white and there would be no stuff. Maybe five white shirts in each of our wardrobes, like one of those pages from the Ikea catalogue, but nothing else. We would be so calm. There is nothing more soothing to us than a clear work surface. There is nothing so therapeutic as dropping off a big bag at the charity shop.

The other two we live with, though, are quite the opposite. My husband has about three Amazon deliveries a day and (contents aside) with each arrival, I see both him and DALC2 eyeing up the packaging to see ‘if it could be useful in the future’. Once, he told me off for throwing away a stick that he thought would be good for stirring paint one day. The day I discovered he had dedicated a cupboard in the kitchen to items for future junk modelling projects I swear I nearly vomited. Junk modelling is, in my opinion, the worst thing about parenting. And DALC2’s bedroom… well, it is like a window into her messed-up, psychedelic mind and it does not bother her at all to sleep in what I can only describe as a cacophony for the eyes. An assault on my soul.

Of course, there is a line, and my husband and DALC2 would seek to argue they are on the ‘normal’ side of the line. Moving just across the line, I recommend Series 4 Episode 5 of Queer Eye. This is simply one of the best episodes, featuring the lovely Kenny who lived with his parents until their deaths, and now keeps things to remind him of them. The state of his house has a huge impact on his life – preventing him from having visitors, space to prepare food and so on. This is nothing compared to what I have seen in clients’ houses before. Rooms totally unusable because newspapers and bank statements are stacked high. ‘Stuff’ actually causing safety concerns.

I understand Caroline Bielanska recently did some training for the Association of Lifetime Lawyers on acting as an attorney for a compulsive hoarder, which I expect was good. But we need to consider hoarding in any area of law where you might be trying to get someone to (a) engage with you and read your correspondence, (b) proactively do things, as opposed to avoid doing things or procrastinate, and ultimately (c) leave their house.

This could be relevant to estate planning. Your son has always lived with you but you expect him (and all his toot) to leave on your death so the house can be sold. How is he going to do that, emotionally or practically? Most days, washing my hair feels like an insurmountable task. The other day I told DALC1 we would go trainer shopping once she had practised her scales for five minutes and the pressure was too much so she forewent the trainers. Having to do stuff you do not want to do is hard.

It could be relevant to divorce, in exactly the same way, or other property litigation of course. It could, as the Association of Lifetime Lawyers has identified, affect the health and welfare of someone for whom you have an LPA or deputyship order.  

As ever, there is a lot of useful information on Mind’s website. Causes of hoarding include perfectionism (for example, not being able to make a decision to throw something away because it might be the wrong decision); hardship as a child; a traumatic event (resulting in a feeling of security by being surrounded by things); or it simply being something your parents did too. It can be linked to other mental health problems, and disorders such as dementia and OCD.

You could have a really strong claim for an order for sale of a property, but a hoarder is unlikely to engage with you if they would need 40 trips to the tip to clear their stuff – and they have got a bad leg. Looking at this in a strict legal sense is not going to get it over the line. What can you do, or what can your client do, to make the proposition more workable? Of course, it is tricky and sensitive. Mind advises against a surprise or forced intervention. If you are the hoarder’s lawyer, can you offer some practical solutions? If you are the other side, perhaps you can factor in the extra costs of removals in any settlement offer? If you are going to achieve the result you need, patience and practicality are going to be key.

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article