Mother in Law: Please don’t label us

This week I was discussing a case with a colleague. I feel like I know this colleague pretty well; we have a little bit of cross-over work but most of my dealings with him have been a bit more social-  chatting in the kitchen and such. I was talking my case through while the kettle was boiling. I was telling him about a point that I was thinking of advising my client to concede. 

'Why should you concede?' he said. 'You’re too nice!'

Unfortunately my colleague was confusing my pleasant demeanour with my ability to take a commercial approach to doing a deal. I wasn’t going to concede the point because I was too nice; I was going to concede the point because it wasn’t worth arguing over, didn’t really matter to my client, and would get the deal over the line.

I can categorically say, knowing every conversation and dealing I’ve had with this colleague, that he has no reason, except my cheery politeness in the kitchen, to think I am 'too nice'. What a back-handed criticism.

I wonder how far I would have to swing the other way to be thought of as a 'b*tch' and maybe told (or it be said behind my back) that I would get on better in life if I just smiled occasionally. Not far, I bet. I also think I’m about a stone away from being described as 'bubbly', so I’m keeping an eye on my carb intake.

The fact is, neither I nor any other females in the profession are Spice Girls, so please don’t label us.

I know this is a girl thing as I’ve seen this happen to my daughters’ friends too. There is a particular family we know with four daughters. One of the younger ones competed this year in the throwing event at the District Sports competition. This rather unassuming looking small girl threw this ball, well, almost literally out of the park. She walked back to the spectators and her mum hugged her, saying excitedly, 'This is your thing!' The little girl seemed pleased to have a thing. Maybe she was worried she wouldn’t have a thing, or that when she discovered what her thing was it would be surplus nostril hair or something. Literally who in the world (apart from maybe that Josh Allen bloke) wants 'throwing' to be their 'thing'?

In the beautiful words sung by Elvis Costello 'she may be the song that summer sings, may be the chill that autumn brings, may be a hundred different things, within the measure of a day'. My husband can definitely attest to me being a hundred different things within the measure of a day. His job is to keep up with them, or stay out of the way of them. Of course, I have created two fierce, ridiculous, emotional, stubborn, creative, energetic, lazy clones of myself who he has to wrangle each day too.

Labels lead to an unnecessary defining of people. I don’t know why women are labelled more than men, I just know they are. Childless cat ladies, women 'preoccupied with their own children' and, well, I would say 'everything in between' but there’s only those two types of women, right?

And, as ever, as lawyers it is not about us - if you are not well-rounded, commercially-minded, firm but fair, and the sum of all the experiences you have had, and treat your professional contacts and opponents as three dimensional people too, it is mostly your clients who will suffer.

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article