Mother in law: Taking every step on their journey

I want to talk to you about my anxious daughter, Deceptively Angelic Looking Child 1 (DALC1), in the hope that I say something, from my 105,120 hours of living with her, that could be useful if perhaps you are just starting out on this journey.

I don’t know why she is anxious. She is very brave and determined, probably meaning she spends much of her time on the edge of her comfort zone. I suppose this will make her more anxious than someone who doesn’t care or strive. She also wants, but doesn’t have, great friends. This leads to an anxiety about how each day at school is going to go. She is next-level perceptive, and takes slightly sharp or sarcastic words (or even looks) like a dagger to her heart. Essentially, though, she is her parents’ child.

I’m not going to blame her parents, though. We try really, really hard. There are also many worse things she could be, such as lazy or arrogant or unkind. I like to think we have passed on some good genes as well as the anxious ones.  

My first piece of advice is to look after yourself. It is all very draining. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a relationship with a coercive partner. Over the years there have been various phases including love bombing and clinginess (I never have any personal space), unpredictable anger and aggression, and overall just an expectation and demand that we should feel her pain. She therefore does her best to inflict that pain on us, even if it is just telling us how bad she feels 50 times a day. Because she’s so perceptive she knows that this will drag us down, but she Needs Us To Know. We are all pulled into her whirlwind and chaos. In fact, recently she’s pulled me into her menstrual cycle too. Apparently I can’t even have periods when my own body wants them anymore.  So do what you can to look after yourself – and of course the other people you live with.

My second piece of advice is to consider their physical health and (generally) use your GP and other resources. There might just be something that can help. As an example, I once had very low levels of vitamin D and it caused various strange symptoms. The doctor told me that vitamin D works like a tonic to the nervous system (and it did, when I started supplementing). Sure enough, we just found out DALC1 is low in vitamin D and, of course, everyone should be supplementing in the winter. Gut health, B12, iron and omega 3 are all pretty important too. I won’t say too much about diet, exercise and screen time because I know we are all trying our best. Rest is really important. DALC1 recently grew six inches in 18 months. That takes energy.

The next important thing to grapple with is taking a balanced approach. Don’t hate me for saying this, but there seems to be a ‘leaning in’ and embracing of anxiety as a condition. A bit like how, now, it is cool at primary school to have glasses. I will not be that mum, because if I gave an inch she would be absent from school three times a week. Grans are there for pandering to children and solving problems with cake; mums are there for guidance, reality checks and (bearing in mind my gran was the best and wisest human ever) a little bit of cake. You don’t have to smile like a Stepford wife 24/7. In the words of a school mum: ‘If they are acting like a d*ck they should know how that is making you feel.’ It is a really hard balance being supportive and teaching resilience at the same time. I suppose my advice is to go with your gut when deciding how to handle it all. You will know if your child is literally too anxious to go to school.

Therapy has been worth its weight in gold. At times it has felt as expensive as gold, but what better to spend your money on? It is not a failure on your part, or too intangible to make a meaningful difference. It also doesn’t mean your child is ‘loony’, as a kind older person put it to me recently (*eye roll*).

Don’t try to argue with them when they are in the middle of a moment of crisis. Don’t even try to reason with them. They are not thinking straight and you are wasting your breath. Instead, help them through it and talk about any issues with their behaviour, if you need to, later.

Above all, my best piece of parenting advice remains that you should set a good example. Are you dealing with your own stress, anxiety, phobias and so on effectively? Are you eating well and practising good sleep hygiene? I remain convinced that setting a good example is the most powerful thing you can do as a parent. I very deliberately say ‘good example’ and not ‘perfect example’ because seeing you fail is literally better than them not seeing you fail. I know Yoda would disagree, but it is all about trying.

Obviously, there are mental health problems that are more extreme than DALC1’s and I am not qualified to advise on them. Be cautious. But for the most part, being loving parents who are committed to taking every step on their journey with them, learning together and trying your best, is as much as anyone can ask of you.

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article