Diary of a busy practitioner, juggling work and family somewhere in England

You know I love a New Year’s resolution (particularly if it is one I can thrust upon my husband) and this year I’m organised. I have one resolution and it is this - to stop the negative noise in my head.

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I’m a pretty positive person and I think this is why it has never occurred to me that I do have this negative chatter in my head. I have confidence to 'have a go' professionally - if there’s a tricky case to take on, or a promotion to be had. I’m pretty glass-half-full.

I’ve also learned how to deal with my thoughts spiralling into a state of overwhelm. I told my husband I was going to list my favourite Youtube clips for resetting my mind. He said no one has said 'Youtube clips' since 2004 and I am 'not Jeremy Beadle'. But I challenge you to watch these and not be in a better mindset after:

The videos are calming and inspiring and centering. But there are still certain areas of my brain that are so conditioned to think the same thing over and over that I need to actively retrain myself.

The first is what I look at when I look in the mirror. If it is a face mirror, I look at my ageing jaw line. If it is a long mirror, I look at my stomach and how it curves outwards. Every. Single. Time. This means that every time I leave the house, every time I go to the loo, every time I catch my reflection in the oven door or the rear view mirror, I’m beating myself up a bit. And for what? For ageing and for eating, really. You know, as opposed to all those other humans who don’t age or eat.

The second is that I’m rubbish at exercise. This definitely goes back to childhood. I tell myself I can’t do it - even while I’m doing it. In fact, continually while I’m doing it. I tell other people I can’t do it too. If I cycle past someone I know who is walking, I will say 'you’ll catch me up soon!' This negative internal (and external) dialogue only serves to put limits on myself.

Unlike a lot of lawyers, I can add up. But say 'roll over relief' or 'holdover relief' and I’ll run (slowly) for the hills. I think it harks back to some changes that came in when I was on maternity leave that I never felt like I got on top of when I came back.

I’ve talked before about people who are 'radiators' in your life and those who are 'drains'. But what about when you are your own emotional drain?

I need to rewire my brain and this is how I’m going to do it. When I’m exercising I’m going to pretend Mary Earps is screaming foul-mouthed encouragement at me. When I look in the mirror, I’m going to focus on one good thing (like my hair maybe) and not even look at the bad bits, the way Luke Danes would look at me if I had my way. And when I’m faced with the intricacies of Capital Gains Tax, I’m going to remember that if Tom Morello can play the guitar the wrong way round, a bit of maths is not beyond me.

Because, of course, this is how other people see you. Your friends, family and clients don’t see you and focus on minute bad bits. I mean, they probably don’t think that much at all because they have their own mental chatter too. But if they did it would be nice things that they thought, if you’ve made them feel nice.

So here’s to not putting limits on ourselves in 2025.

 

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article

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