Mother in law:​ Passive aggression in the workplace

Passive aggression can be defined - by me, anyway - as the little things that are said and done that aren't overtly aggressive but make you feel a bit uncomfortable in your stomach. They are the things that your mother in law might say to you ('we need to get this lockdown weight off, don’t we'), as opposed to the things your brother might say to you ('bloody hell you’ve got fat'). The office - or my office - is a breeding ground for passive aggression and whilst I could, I’m sure, write a whole sitcom on the subject, for the time being here is my rough guide to types of passive aggression in the workplace and how to deal with them. 

1. The 'compliment'

In my experience this micro-aggression comes where you try to be a bit different to everyone else. As a reminder to anyone who needs to hear it, being different is good. If everyone was scared to be different, we wouldn’t have Lady Gaga or Barack Obama or Ed Sheeran or Rosa Parks or Tim Peake. We wouldn’t have fashion, innovation, medical breakthroughs, entrepreneurism or progress in social injustice. We would all be listening to Steps.

It looks like this:

'You look very nice, I’ve never seen someone wear a skirt that short to work before.'

Or

'I always admire the way you just leave at 5pm, regardless of how much work you haven’t got done.'

What you should do about it:

Remember you are awesome and go home at the end of the day to spend time with the people who love you.

2. Indifference

When my most recent trainee was with me, she would refer to my husband and children by name within a week or so of working with me. She would follow up on things I had said the previous day, for example asking if DALC2 had managed to carry her tray on her first day having school dinners, or whether my husband had got on all right at the doctors. I am fairly sure this is normal behaviour, but not something I’ve experienced from all my colleagues.

It looks like this:

After five years working together, they refer in conversation to 'your husband' or ask you where you live or profess not to know about a hobby you often mention. They are very subtly making the point that they couldn’t give a sh*t about you as a human.

What you should do about it:

Remember you are awesome and go home at the end of the day to spend time with the people who love you.

3. Confusion

I think this one could probably also be described as gaslighting. You think you have said something normal, maybe a bit of chit-chat, and they have pretended to be confused or pull apart what you have said. When coupled with indifference (see above) you can really feel like you are going mad.

It looks like this (and this is an actual conversation I had last year - but let’s say my husband’s name is Paul):

Them: 'It is going to be hot today'

Me: 'Yeah, before I left for work Paul said there are going to be record levels of UV.'

Them: 'But it isn’t the hottest day.'

Me: 'No, true. I think he heard it on the radio though.'

Them (with confused expression): 'Is he a bit of a meteorologist in his spare time then?'

No, Helen, I’m just making conversation about the weather like every other British worker since the dawn of time. I’ll keep quiet for the rest of the day.

What you should do about it:

Remember you are awesome and go home at the end of the day to spend time with the people who love you.

4. Comments not quite out of earshot

This, I think, is particularly relevant if you are some sort of manager.

It looks like this:

(Almost out of your earshot)

Innocent person to them: 'How are you this morning?'

Them, loudly: 'Furious, quite honestly. I’ve really had enough of this job now. I might draft my notice.'

Needless to say they are then quite different to your face.

What you should do about it:

Remember you are awesome and go home at the end of the day to spend time with the people who love you.

5. Wedge-driving

These people, who I’m sure have happy, fulfilled lives of course, will not like you forming alliances with other colleagues - or as I prefer to call it, getting on well with them. When it suits them (and, beware, it will be temporary) they will confide in you and criticise them.

Because they are incapable of being straightforward, and so consumed by their feelings, even in confidence they will probably use a passive voice.

It looks like this:

'No doubt Madam won’t help next week when I’m off on holiday.'

What you should do about it:

Remember you are awesome and go home at the end of the day to spend time with the people who love you.

6. Leaving you out

Self explanatory, really.

It looks like this (again, an exact conversation I had at work with my team leader after about a year of lunching alone):

Me: 'This is a nice bar, I’ve never been here before.'

Them: 'Really? We come every week!'

What you should do about it:

Remember you are awesome and go home at the end of the day to spend time with the people who love you.

I can feel exhausted by the end of the day just from dealing with all of this when it should be the last of my worries - supporting each other, building each other up and generally remembering we are all on the same team should surely go without saying? I have been researching - from both a HR perspective and a personal one - what else we can do about this sort of behaviour and as well as going home and remembering you are awesome, I offer the following additional advice.

Confront the behaviour with immediate, calm and straightforward language. For example, if you are their boss, 'I couldn’t help overhear that you sounded fed up this morning, is there anything I can do?' or 'I can see you are worried that X won’t cover your work next week, shall we make a list of the important tasks and go through them with her?' You won’t stop moaners moaning, but if you jump on each moan with practical positivity you might just encourage them to moan a bit less. Better them be sick of your positivity than you continue to be sick of their moaning.

Try to limit the person’s reach and effect on the rest of the office. Are they walking around all day spreading negativity? Can you physically position them in the office so they are less able to do this?

Give them (part-) ownership of projects, consult them and make them feel involved. Manage them closely and proactively. Keep records.

Don’t think you are being silly by being affected by these people. In some cases I have seen it amounting to nothing less than bullying and it should be taken seriously.

Remember, it is them not you. You aren’t going mad, you are entitled to be an individual and progress your career and be friends with whoever you choose. If some of my suggestions are 'above your pay-grade', raise your concerns with the powers that be. If you want to work in a positive environment, and your boss wants to keep you, he or she should be taking proactive steps to improve the situation for you. If all else fails, remember you are awesome and go home at the end of the day to spend time with the people who love you.

 

*Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article