Mother in Law: Older and wiser – but still learning on the job

I turned a big number last week. My brain still thinks I’m extremely young but then someone will say to me ‘21 Savage is my favourite artist’ and I understand not one part of the sentence and embarrass myself. When I said that Deceptively Angelic Looking Child 1 was acting like Joe Wicks the other day, everyone thought I meant the personal trainer and not David Wicks’ troubled son. Most of my colleagues live with their parents. In my house, I am the parent. Some of the school mums are 15 years younger than me. I have personally owned more than one dog.

But what have I learned in all those years? I know that if I don’t understand something a KC or judge has said, it is really difficult to understand and I should say so. In fact, they should say it more simply. I will never know everything about even my area of law, and I know that is OK. I know that speaking to clients as equals and showing humanity is more important than that.

I know that the job is as much about time management, persuasion and writing skills as anything else. Writing skills come from reading lots. I’ve learned that we probably won’t ever find out what happened to Taylor Swift’s scarf. I know that keeping your fees estimates up to date is one of the most important parts of the job. Some of the best songs in history were written by tw*ts. I have learned to just not understand this.

Everyone has the same 24 hours in their day as you do in yours. It is impossible for them to be doing more things that take a certain length of time than you: if their house is cleaner than yours, they have prioritised that over something else – in my opinion, probably something more worthwhile like exercising, or working, or sitting and drinking tea.

World’s on fire

Democracy is going through a rough patch, but you can still make a difference in your community and by bringing up your family to respect the values you believe to be important. The world is on fire and the least we can do is take our soft plastics to the supermarket for recycling.

People who only contact you once every few years for legal advice are not friends. 90% of parenting is putting away washing. Anyone who ‘doesn’t like Meghan Markle but can’t put their finger on why’ needs to have a good hard look inwards. Same for men who don’t take 50% of the responsibility for their children’s welfare. If a vaccine is recommended by the NHS you should have it. Not everyone deserves a platform.

Secretaries can actually be kind and supportive. It took me all this time to know that. Leave your job if this is not your experience.

Modelling good behaviour

Children might know what fronted adverbials are but, on the whole, are utter imbeciles. And you have responsibility for them allllll the time. They say things like ‘Help me! Let me do it by myself!’ Modelling good behaviour is better than screaming at them to eat veg. Nailing ‘smart-casual’ comes with age. I spent years struggling to wear jeans with anything other than trainers or flip-flops but now I’ve got a selection of tan flats for all weathers.

'Be polite to everyone you come across in the legal profession as you might want them to give you a job one day. Be polite to everyone else too'

I can buy my own bulldog clips rather than stealing them with secret delight from documents provided by clients. They don’t cost that much. It literally took me this number of decades to work that out. No one needs lip fillers or fake eyelashes. Or rather, no one looks like a normal human with lip fillers or fake eyelashes. Save the money for pelvic floor physio, which you are more likely to actually need.

Drinking red wine is good for you. Drinking whisky is cool. Jed Bartlett (pictured) is the best American president I will see in my lifetime. Peanut butter on apple is the snack of champions. I am old enough to own a selection of garden furniture, but I will never be able to do a cartwheel, not now. Be polite to everyone you come across in the legal profession as you might want them to give you a job one day. Be polite to everyone else too.

Money – the root of all evil

Money is definitely the root of all evil, closely followed by sugar, social media and loom bands. No dog equals the golden retriever. Cats are unpleasant. Cleanliness is not actually next to godliness, but being an early bird might be. Elves on shelves are fun for about five minutes.

Life is full of nuances. You can enjoy the government paying for your little kids’ lunches while thinking they should spend their money elsewhere. Things come in and go out of fashion but at no point in my life has a personalised number plate been cool, so I find it unlikely they ever will be now.

You won’t get to an age where you feel you have no more learning to do. Or rather, you shouldn’t. The key is to continue to learn, willingly and humbly, while being confident, happy and secure with the knowledge you already have.

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article