Mother in Law: Learning to say no

One day, when Deceptively Angelic Child (DALC1) was about 18 months old, I came home from work and asked my mum if they had enjoyed the Edward Bear Club that morning - a little toddler group at the church hall. 'Well, I asked her if she wanted to go and she said no,' my mum replied. I thought it was strange, as she always enjoyed it. You will appreciate at this point DALC1 had a very limited vocabulary. What I didn’t appreciate was that 'yes' would not enter it for the next ten years (and counting) -

'Would you like some peas with your fish fingers?' No.

'Would you like a nap?' No.

'Would you like some tights on with that summer dress bearing in mind it is December?' No.

'Shall I help you with your laces?' Absolutely not.

She is the most infuriating human being in the history of the world. And that is coming from me. We have become masters at negotiation. Honestly, I have learned more about negotiation practising on her than I ever have at work. Different things work on different days and my mind works at ninja-speed in assessing the scene and executing a plan.

Her: 'Mum, can we make some popcorn?'

Me: 'Yes,' I might say, 'You feed the dog while I take this washing upstairs and then we can make it.'

If I had just asked her to feed the dog we would be waiting until next week for her to actually do it. It isn’t even as if she didn’t like the Edward Bear Club, she was just being stubborn.

Anyway, when I am not manipulating her into brushing her teeth or picking up her coat off the floor, I am actually quite proud of her ability to say no. She has politely and firmly said 'no, I don’t want to do that' about performing in front of the school, swimming underwater and going on big theme park rides in the past. We have tried to strike a balance between encouraging her and respecting her decision - and recently it has started to pay off. On our summer holiday she was under the water more than she was above it, and as she approaches Year 6 (more on that another day) I can see her confidence for performing just getting ready to grow.

Over the next five or ten years, of course, we are going to want her to say no more and more. Especially to that boy James who I’ve got my beady eye on.

I’ve recently experienced a spate of junior lawyers who can’t say no.

'Can you take this call from a new client?' Sure.

'Can you attend this crazy golf-slash-axe throwing networking event?' Of course.

'Can you cover the senior partner’s caseload while he watches The Ashes?' No worries.

These young lawyers are worried, fed up and tired. But they are unlikely to tell you if they are young, keen, hard working and relying on you to put them forward for promotion. This is a risk issue for two reasons. Firstly, they will miss things. My brain only works effectively for about 8 hours a day, and that is if my stress levels are at about 6 or below. If they are higher than that my brain barely works at all. For the avoidance of doubt, working for 8 or less hours a day with stress levels at 6 or below is what we should all be doing anyway. But increase those hours or those stress levels, or both, because you are not confident enough to set your own boundaries, and court dates, limitation dates and mortgage offer expiry dates will get missed. You are less likely to give holistic, outside-the-box advice because you are too focused on getting through the meeting and getting back to your inbox. You aren’t going to be able to get back to your clients in a timely manner.

The second risk, in the current market, is that instead of talking to their line manager - who thought they were perfectly happy because they always say 'yes' with a smile - they will talk to someone else. I’ve been messaged by 22 recruiters on LinkedIn this year so far. All very, very happy to have a chat about the issues they are experiencing in their current role.

So my message is this. To young lawyers: make sure you have some boundaries. Have confidence in saying no if you are overworked, confidence that you will still meet your fees targets. Confidence that axe throwing is going to be a waste of your time. Don’t say yes if you mean no. And line managers: it is part of your job to nurture the next generation. In the current recruitment market, if you are not careful you will lose the accommodating staff and keep the ones who are far more happy to always say 'no' - and trust me when I say that is a far more exhausting situation to be in.

*Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article