Mother in law: Is bullying ever dealt with effectively?

There is a boy in Deceptively Angelic Child 1's (DALC1’s) class who is mean. He has serious anger management problems, no doubt caused at least in part by a difficult home life. The anger is often triggered by football. DALC1 and her friend, Sienna, have been playing football with the boys quite a lot recently. I have been pleased because there have been some friendship dramas with the girls in her class (another day maybe) and the boys have always been more straightforward.

I have no concerns about DALC1 playing with this boy. She has spent five days a week with him since she was four, and three days a week with him at preschool before that. I heard her talking to him on Fortnite the other evening. He said that he would punch her in the head if she didn’t [do something on Fortnite I don’t understand]. Not that we share many genes but she firmly, confidently and articulately told him that she would play the game as she saw fit and he certainly would not be punching her in the head in the morning. I’m sure she would have flicked her hair like a Beyonce meme after, if she hadn’t been too busy spraying her gold SMG at the bots [no idea what this means].

Sienna, though, has been struggling. She is a sweet girl, new to the school, and he is targeting her - kicking the ball in her face, getting 'up in her grill' and so on. I keep telling her mum to speak to the teachers, but she seems reluctant. She seems to want to talk to the boy’s mum instead. Now whilst I love the idea of a school pick-up showdown, my instinct is that she should speak to the teachers. Why won’t she? Maybe she doesn’t have the confidence, maybe she finds it difficult to speak to them because she works full time, or maybe it is because she thinks it won’t make a difference.

In November 2020 I wrote a blog on bullying in the workplace. Where the workplace differs from school is that I know the (very excellent) teachers are already doing a lot for this boy, that he is better off in the class than in some kind of exclusion, and that the warmth and support that he gets from those teachers and the school experience may just have a positive impact on him. Unless something changes in the 18 hours each day that he is not at school, the impact will no doubt be limited. In the workplace, my personal view is a lot more ruthless. Bullies should not be allowed to stay. Grown ups need to take responsibility for their actions.

Bullying at work doesn’t usually involve being threatened with being punched in the face or having footballs thrown at you. It doesn’t normally even involve anyone getting up in your grill. It is a lot more likely to involve not being made a cup of tea in the tea round, or eye rolling when you speak, or a conversation stopping as you enter the room. In fact, it is a lot more similar to the aforementioned Year 4 female friendship dramas. It can involve you being overlooked for good quality work or refused flexibility if you need to shoot off early.

But what is similar is that I have never - never - seen it sorted out. I know far more kids who have changed schools due to being bullied than due to being a bully, and this goes for the workplace too. What advice would you give a friend being bullied at work? Hand your bloody notice in. So the bullies stay, and their little empire lives to fight another day.

Bearing in mind the acts of bullying are subtle, and the mindset of the bully is no doubt entrenched, I understand it is hard to deal with. I don’t really have a conclusion to set out here, only that if anyone has seen bullying dealt with effectively I would very much welcome a conversation with you, as I would love to write a more positive article than this one, and I think lots of us managers could learn a lot.

*Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article