Mother in law: If tomorrow never comes

I don’t know if you know this about me but I am quite a big fan of country music. I don’t know if it is the story telling or the constant references to alcohol but I love it. And some country song words keep coming to my mind this week- 'if tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I loved her?' Stick with me here, I haven’t suddenly become a sap. I’m not even much of a royalist. But as I saw those family members making their way to Balmoral last week, I really did hope for their sake that the Queen had said all she wanted to say to them and they had managed to find a way to express themselves to her.

You will recall that 'clients did not communicate effectively with loved ones before they died' is my legal specialism. All day every day I see families torn apart because they did not, while they had the chance, talk to each other with respect, clarity and vulnerability.

I have a case at the moment that wouldn’t have come to me at all if Person A had said to Person B 'I’m really worried about where I’m going to live when you die'. I have another one where Person A lacked the emotional intelligence to say 'I don’t like how much we argue, can we work on that please' or 'I don’t think our relationship is working, we might both be happier if we separated' and instead left Person B out of her will, complete with handwritten notes about how much she hated him.

It is all about communication. Even smashing up someone’s car with a baseball bat in the style of Carrie Underwood is better than just allowing the unresolved issues and feelings to fester. They need to be released into the world one way or another.*

I guess the point I am making is that your mum or your gran can make it to 96 and you can have private jets at your disposal and you still might not have taken the time to make the opportunity to talk. You still might miss the opportunity. Get on with it.

I sort of want to make the opposite point too. If you can’t talk to them, forget about it. If you can’t make someone understand you, or make them see why they have upset you, then my professional advice is to just come to terms with it. In the words of Kacey Musgraves, 'you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't so you might as well just do whatever you want'. If, like The Chicks, you are 'still mad as hell and don’t have time to go round and round and round', leave it. Keep the radiators in your life and lose the drains. If you can’t do this straight away, work towards it so your world doesn’t fall apart when they die. Maybe they already know deep down - sometimes late at night - that they are the one with the problem and maybe that should be enough for you. If they don’t know deep down, you are probably wasting your time and energy thinking about it. Remember what matters in life (in case you were wondering - 'a cold beer on a Friday night and a pair of jeans that fit just right').

But, and I say this at the risk of losing work, if you are cutting your ties I think you also have to cut your losses. I had a client a couple of years ago who wanted to challenge his mum’s will on the basis of a lack of testamentary capacity. Not only was the evidence patchy, the other side provided an email my client had written to his mum saying 'I do not want anything further to do with you'. Not only did this make her subsequent will amendments logical, but I knew exactly how a judge would view that letter when looking at the case as a whole.

Yes, I have clients who I have saved from being homeless by challenging a will. But generally, knowing when to walk away (soon, with your dignity and your last fiver still in your pocket) is key.

*not legal advice

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article