Mother in law: Being mindful

This may shock you but in my experience working parents are not known for their mindfulness.

Once, after Deceptively Angelic Child no. 2 was born, my mother in law asked me if I still had a cold. My answer was that I couldn’t remember. Was it this morning that I had blown my nose or was it three days ago? Was my head fuzzy because it was bunged up with snot or because I hadn’t slept in a week and there were a hundred things on my to-do list? I was more concerned about whether I had got something out of the freezer for dinner (which I also couldn’t remember) and whether she had noticed I had killed the most recent plants she had given me.

Six years and one pandemic on and health professional after health professional has been banging on at me about mindfulness. They are all singing from the same hymn sheet. Mindfulness is important because it does things to your brain waves that have a lasting effect on your physical health. For example, and importantly, it can help regulate the stress hormones. Hormones that, for me at least, have caused all sorts of physical health problems.

I might be slightly less sleep deprived but I can still, at any one time, be worried about six different clients, feel guilty that my eldest is learning about… romance… from Neighbours (how bad can it be at that time in the afternoon?), feel anxious about some upcoming advocacy, go cold remembering something embarrassing that happened 20 years ago, realise in a panic that DALC2 hasn’t had a bath in five days and remember that if we actually want a summer holiday we will need to book one. Mindfulness is not my superpower.

I would love to say that following these interventions I am now Adriene from Yoga with Adriene. I am not. But, as a starting point, I am trying to not sleepwalk through life at such a lightning speed (sleep sprinting?). I am trying to be mindful in the wider sense. And, from this non-expert, these are my tips.

1. Think about how your body feels regularly. Are you thirsty? Do you need to put on some lip balm? Is your dining chair really cutting it for seven hours a day or do you finally need to invest in an office chair? Are you squinting at the screen? Do you maybe need to get some advice on some supplements to get you through the tougher parts of your menstrual cycle? Do you simply need a wee?

2. I know I’m not going to be popular saying this, but are you putting the right things into your body so that you can get the right things out? Could you maybe add just a few things to your weekly shop to pack some more nutrition into your diet? Could you find a way to savour a decent coffee in peace rather than chugging five and not really appreciating any of them? It isn’t all or nothing - small changes are better than none.

3. Start doing things simply for the pleasure of doing them again. Things that absorb your attention. Reading, sudoku, listening to music. I stopped reading murder mysteries because I didn’t feel they improved me or my mind and I forgot them straight away. But the fact is that they absorbed me and relaxed me and I wasn’t looking at my phone or worrying about how much dog poo I hadn’t cleared up in our garden for 10 minutes every night. And as I say above, this is of benefit for more than those 10 minutes because the calming effect will last longer than that, whether you notice it or not.

4. On the subject of phones, I know I have said it before but do consider removing as many apps as possible. You don’t need to be checking on what someone you last saw at school thinks about a subject you have no interest in whilst queuing at the post office. You could just read the rude greetings cards like we all used to. Even though I don’t have many apps, I still find ways to scroll when I’m feeling particularly restless and I can recommend apps like 'Offtime' which you can set to block your access to all non-urgent apps for a set period of time.

5. I’ve been told that the best way to start hardcore mindfulness is to do breathing exercises. Set alarms on your phone to remind you to do them a few times a day. You can google how to do them properly but I recommend alternate nostril and 4-7-8 breathing.

6. Again, don’t hate me, but I can highly recommend a few minutes of journaling before going to sleep. Literally two or three minutes, writing down anything you are worried about and the things you are grateful for. Because I spend my life feeling guilty, I have also found it good to write down the little things I have achieved that day so I can reflect that maybe I shouldn’t feel so guilty for the things I haven’t achieved. I have also been writing down how I feel physically to keep a track of headaches and things. In terms of gratitude, I know it sounds a bit soppy, but it is quite centering to write down 'I’m grateful DALC2 wanted to play Wordle in bed again this morning' because if I didn’t reflect back I wouldn’t have given it another thought, and you should always dwell on the best few minutes of your day before it ends.

*Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article