Mother in Law: A woman stepping out of her lane

By the time you read this, International Women’s Day will be just a memory. The comments on my last blog about me being 'snidey' to my 'understanding and decent' managing partner, and how I have been 'captured by a feminist ideology' will stick in my mind a bit longer, maybe. I hardly ever think, now, about the day in 2020 when a commenter told me I shouldn’t have had children if I was going to moan about looking after them during a pandemic whilst also working, so give it five years or so and I’ll get over it. I’m just an anonymous silhouette after all.

I don’t know if these comments were made by men, because they are anonymous, and I’ve said before that generally when people have had a problem with me being ambitious and successful, whilst specifically at the same time being a woman, the majority of those people have been women. No one, it seems at times, likes to see a woman stepping out of their lane.

This is just one of the ways in which it is still harder for women. Some more examples follow, and for the avoidance of doubt I realise women in some other countries have it harder.

For me to be objectively smart and presentable in the office, I probably lose half an hour a day in extra time getting ready. My husband won’t make dentist appointments for the kids because he 'doesn’t know when we are free'. My shoes aren’t the shape of a foot. I can assure you there is only one parent feeling guilty that, despite doing our fair share of play dates generally, Decepitvely Angelic Child no. 2’s last four play dates with her friend Evie have been at Evie’s house. Does Evie think she’s not welcome here? Guess how many dads are on the PTA? Oh, they do the barbecue at the summer fair, obvs, but that’s all. It sometimes feels like we are doing everything our grans did indoors plus a serious job at the same time. I even think society requires more of us as parents generally too - I don’t remember my mum feeling guilty or worrying about half the things I do. In her case, work took up all her energy. Now we are told to put our families first. At the same time as being appraised twice a year on our performance at work, of course.

We have moved on hugely, I know. Of my gran’s children, the eldest daughter was allowed to go university and the eldest son took over the family business. The others, girls, were to be secretaries or housewives. I’m pleased to say they didn’t stay secretaries and housewives, but progressed the long and hard way. I had no such limitations placed on me, but I can’t say I was taught to build up other women; quite the opposite. Beauty and, to put it bluntly, being thin were still way too high priority in the 80s and 90s. What about my kids, another generation on? I think, overall, they are much happier to build each other and their friends up, and are more interested in being strong and sporty than thin or pretty. Obviously, of course, absolutely no one is going to tell them what to do with their lives either, because they are know-it-alls. The best change, though, is that I recently saw a survey of university students who said their mum was their biggest role model - rightly or wrongly, that wouldn’t have been the case 20 years ago. I nearly cried.

Unfortunately, though, we (and they) are going to have to rely on men for the next bit of progress. Out of all my friends, family and acquaintances - literally out of everyone I know - I know one man who works four days a week instead of five, for family reasons. That same man is also the only man I’ve heard of sharing maternity/paternity leave with his wife. This is how we change things next - once men consistently step up to the caring, the nurturing, the life admin and the pay cuts to take a truly active role at home, the pay gap will close, and we will finally see an even gender spread of equity partners and KCs.

As ever, do comment below.

Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article