'Solicitor, are you? I 'ad one of them law commissioners in the back of my cab the other day. You'll never guess what those stupid baskets - pardon my French - are up to now? They’ve only gone and launched a consultation on taxi and private hire services.

'Now they reckon the proposals will retain the important distinction between taxis, which can ply for hire, and pre-booked mini cabs. But they want standardised licensing regulations across the country and firms to operate without geographical restrictions. Cheaper and more competitive services, they reckon. Cheaper and more competitive cowboys, more like. And what price localism, then, if you’re setting national licensing and safety standards? Joined-up government? Taking the proverbial, if you ask me.

'Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favour of doing something about limousines, motorcycle taxis and them bicycle rickshaws - I’d string the last lot up, pull the bloody lever myself I would - but what’s all this about "licensing could be extended"? Could? Blimey, don’t strain yourself, mate. This is the lot that’s only just got around to suggesting the repeal of the Indian Railways Act.

'Anyways, you’ve got until 10 August to respond to the consultation - have a gander at the Law Commission website. What’s that, guv? You’ll get out here? Right you are - that’s 20 quid on the clock. Need a blank receipt?'